Most parents want the best for their kids and even in the midst of their own pain,
they try to help the children get through the transition. However, some parents are
so angry at their spouse, or so emotionally needy themselves, that they may put their
own needs ahead of those of their children, causing even more stress and potential
long-
- Understands and respects that children have a need for both their mother and father.
- Allows children the right to develop a relationship with their other parent.
- Understands that the problems between the parents belong to them alone; and takes care not to make those problems belong to the children as well.
- Does not criticize or belittle the other parent in front of the children.
- Does not put children in the middle nor pressures them to take sides.
- Protects children from inappropriate information; such as learning about sexual conduct or improprieties of their other parent.
- Does not force children to love a stepparent.
- Does not use children as a sounding board for complaints about the other parent.
- Does not use children as a messenger or go-
between to communicate with the other parent. Instead, communicates needs and concerns to the other parent without involving the children. - Does not compensate for the divorce by spoiling the children. Does not try to “buy” children’s love or pay off personal guilt with gifts, money, or trips.
- Refrains from saying, “You’re just like your father/mother.” Understands that children interpret such statements as personal rejection.
- Does not discipline by threatening to send children to live with the other parent.
- Allows children to have a normal childhood. Does not force children to take on responsibilities
beyond age-
appropriate expectations. - Does not use children for emotional support, but instead seeks appropriate adult attention for venting and support.
- Does not abdicate role as parent by letting children run wild, stay up late all the time, or become overly disrespectful.
- Remembers that even though both are no longer husband and wife, they are still both parents and always keeps the best interests of the children in the forefront.
- Reassures children they are loved, that they are not to be blamed, and that they are not responsible for fixing their parents’ problems.
- Develops a parenting plan that allows both parents reasonable access to the children.
- Stays involved with children on a regular basis—respects that they need both parents in their lives.
- Keeps promises—for example; if a promise is made to pick children up at a particular time or take them somewhere specific, the parent does what was promised.
- Is reasonable and flexible about holidays, vacations, and other occasions, remembering that the child’s needs come first.
- Understands and respects that adolescents, even early adolescents are developing social needs of their own that are developmentally important and may at times interfere with visitation rights.
- Provides structure and reasonable rules that assure a sense of security.
- Invites children to talk about feelings—is a good, non-
defensive listener even if it’s hard to hear, and accepts and acknowledges his or her child’s feelings, whatever they are. - Is helpful and supportive, even if that means putting his or her own feelings aside—for example, by offering to call the other parent for a young child, or by listening to good things that happened while visiting the other parent, without making negative reactions.
- Finds supportive services for the children, such as: productive activities, classes, sports, counseling, and other adults in their lives while they are adjusting to their new family situation.
- Gets help for self—seeks help or therapy to cope with own feelings and stresses, and to help with the children at the same time by not burdening them with adult problems.