Recognizes importance of non-custodial parent

• Respects children’s need and right to love that parent
• Helps stepchildren nurture relationship by encouraging them to write, phone, visit
• Allows picture, mementos of biological parent without creating conflict
• Invites parent to important milestone ceremonies and events
• Strives to be added parent figure and friend rather than substitute parent

Acknowledges existing bond between new spouse and children

• Realizes it’s natural to feel closer to biological children
• Reduces jealousy and competition for time and attention
• Controls resentment when child and parent need time alone

Allows time for relationships to develop

• Focuses on process of developing as a family unit
• Values each small success as evidence of relationship growth
• Minimizes worrying or trying to force progress
• Respects and accepts others as new family forms

Manages own relationships with each child

• Avoids interfering in other people’s problems unless invited
• Encourages family members to care for own needs and relationships

Understands family life cannot always be happy

• Accepts that problems exist
• Understands that unhappy experiences teach children coping skills
• Allows full expression of emotions whether negative or positive, pleasant or unpleasant

Possesses the courage to be imperfect

• Rejects fairy-tale myths and unrealistic media portrayals of stepfamilies
• Understands every mistake does not reflect cruel stepparent image
• Realizes the way people learn is by making mistakes, thinking about them, and trying again
• Shares own mistakes to give children permission to be imperfect and human

Accepts grief and loss as part of life's experience

• Encourages children to face the reality of death or divorce that preceded stepfamily
• Feels empathy, not sympathy, with children of loss
• Helps kids confront and express feelings that grief elicits
• Provides strength and encouragement so children can move into the future

Lets go

• Permits children to belong to two families with a minimum of fuss
• Allows children to spend time with peers, activities, other parents, without fearing
  stability of stepfamily is threatened
• Plans family activities without forcing participation
• Uses time away from children to enhance relationship with spouse

Tries to replace the absent parent

• Feels insecure about stepparent role
• Wants to own children and their affections
• Attempts to cut ties with non-custodial parent
• Assumes children cannot love several adults
• Creates loyalty conflicts for children

Demands love and acceptance

• Expects to care about stepchildren immediately
• Expects children to express affection right away
• Feels guilty when children express affection they don’t really feel

Insists feelings for stepchildren and biological children are the same

• Tries to deny rather than accept differences in feelings
• Feels guilty for loving own children more
• Overcompensates with stepchildren by giving gifts, spending extra time, expressing phony feelings

Manages everyone else’s relationships

• Takes on problems of all family members as own
• Interferes in communication efforts of siblings, kids, biological parents
• Keeps family members from forming direct relationships with one another
• Insists on being included in activities
• Deprives parents and children of needed private time and space together

Assumes peacemaker role

• Fears another family loss
• Believes difficulties imply failure
• Denies problems exist
• Shuts out negative emotions
• Reacts defensively when stated feelings and real feelings clash

Strives to be perfect and thus counteract “wicked stepparent” myth

• Allows no imperfection in self as parent figure
• Avoids mistakes at all costs
• Suppresses negative emotions
• Refuses to state any opinion that might create conflict

Feels sorry for children of loss

• Tries to make up for children’s parental loss
• Pities children and delays grieving process necessary to heal
• Indulges, pampers, and therefore prevents stepchildren from learning to understand life as it really is with its pain and adversities

Insists on family unity

• Views goals as happiness and harmony at all costs
• Uses family “togetherness” to show outsiders “how great we’re doing”
• Dictates activities and denies free choices among family members
• Diverts family members from preferred activities